you need to live, even if it is a bad experience

God has a purpose for your suffering, and has a purpose for putting you through hardship. All of the struggles you have been going through, are for purpose as well as reason. I notice myself asking God about a lot of situations, whether they are created from the reflection of my own accountable actions I hold myself to in self-awareness or from an external power that is against me. I can’t control this external power, that chose me that day to deal with. I find myself trying to find composure as my peace is constantly invaded in theory, and I want to not ruin others peace as a by product of my peace being infiltrated by external games. My peace is so priceless. I need that peace. That quiet, even if it is not quiet sonically: where I can be present and still. It feels like the devil is invading my peace, and i’m not getting enough hours of peace to where I find myself trying to regulate as well as contain myself so I don’t make it other people’s problem. People have no problem invading my peace, but have every issue with me swinging back when said peace is invaded. I need enough hours of peace, and to lock in. Whenever I try to lock in, the devil sends legions of distractions as I am trying to keep the peace as well as harmony.

I have never known stillness. Maybe in my early life, and early years. But now I am doing my everything to maintain that priceless peace. I do everything to be independent as well as not rely on others. I have trouble when people hold the door for me. I have trouble with when people promise my safety, and I am the only one to keep myself safe. I get tired of having to be hyper-independent, because it is not safe outside. I get tired of having to look over my shoulder and read people’s soul in a milisecond. My entire career has been a reversal of roles not because I wanted to reverse roles. I had to out of survival. I just want to be hyper-feminine.

They hate when you are outside the house, and they hate when you don’t come out the house because you’re introverted. Either way, I’m trying to protect my safety as well as peace of mind. I’m trying to rebuild my peace of mind after I feel as if my outside bridges were burned. I don’t want that to bleed in my internal city as well as lake of internal emotions. I am dodging and running at the first second I get that indication. I don’t want to look you into the eye because I can see into your soul and read it to filth. I don’t want to see your soul. I already saw it. I just don’t want you to feel that I know who you truly are. Then it gets dangerous for me when they know that you are fully aware, and know exactly what is up or what has been done. I’d rather play dumb as always.

I’m just trying to restore my peace of mind, after it has been violently disturbed as well as I’m not getting enough of it. I need enough peace like I need enough sleep. Or else the peace will be disrupted if I can’t get my enough hours, and make it everyone else’s problem. I hold onto the little peace hours I have throughout the day. I can’t have my peace interrupted. Or else it makes me the villain in someone else’s story when I am not the villain all along, I’m defending myself. I try not to become the vilian and exentuate pride, and let God handle the fight over my peace as it is constantly disturbed as well as my boundaries not being respected. God handles all battles. I’m just going to dance as they fight over my boundaries, and cause issues as I do nothing. No reaction is everything.