if you f with me in private, but not in public: I am not your person nor your friend

if you f with me in private, but not publicly. then you are not my anything. you cannot claim me in my vitality moments, you can’t claim to know me if you are ashamed of messing with me in private. this has been my experience my entire life, being held a secret while people are embarassed of me while expressing their love in private. I choose to no longer be in those situations anymore, platonically or privately. I deserve to be claimed, and be enough. I am not your private salvation. you do not get to reap the benefits of being close to me, or a person in my life while hiding me or being ashamed to have ties with me. I am someone with notoriety, and have contributed so much beautiful work in this life. I am humble with that. I refuse for you to confuse me being humble, with me not knowing my worth or value. I am God’s child. if you did not claim me before the rest of the world woke up to me: then you don’t get to claim me at all. I do not carry your shame. I release it. that is not a reflection of me. the othering that people have done to me, within orientalist theory within othering is not mine to carry. I don’t care about what your larger community or greater community thinks of me. if you side with them in public, but me in private: you don’t get to be there when the world knows who I am. those behind the scenes already know who I am. but if you are not public about that ally ship, about being someone who loves me in my life: you don’t get to be there when the whole world wakes up. I deserve better.

too many times I emphathize with people who hold me in this box. I have been freed as a bird in a cage of your shame, of othering me because you are afraid of your greater acceptance. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I don’t deserve to be your secret lover, secret bestfriend, secret favorite artist, or secret social media influencer. whatever role that may be that I am present in your life: whether I make your favorite type of music or influence you without ever having met you from afar. being your internet bestfriend. I deserve within the bare minimum to be shouted out, not kept in a closet, not kept in silence as well as secrecy. that is such a shitty thing to do to someone. I understand why people do it, but it is such a weird feeling to be people’s backdoor special person within their life. I need you to be vocal about loving me, and supporting me. keeping me away from the world has to do with oriental othering. it is a way that you are still accepted in your community while reaping the benefit of still being a friend or loved one in my life. it is such a disgusting feeling to know that I was this person to many, and still am to others. I have actively said that if you knew about me and kept up with me in secrecy: I will eradicate you from my circles for having other’d me. it makes me feel so much shame that is not mine to carry. be vocal that you love me. say you love me in public, to your greater circle. I deserve to be cherished publicly. this is not about any present romantic relationships in my life right now as I have vowed celibacy for awhile now, and am not romantically pursuing nor focusing on romantic relationships right now. it used to apply to my romantic relationships, until I released these dynamics in where people are afraid to love me to their greater communities. if you are afraid of people knowing who you truly are: then I can’t be with you in romantic relationships or in this walk of life as a loved one or someone who supports me in secret from afar. that is the worst impact on racism for me in my entire relationships that is such a subtle yet low frequency that is apparent when the entire stadium hears the song. you are doing me so dirty, and so unlawful.

respecting your loved ones enough to claim them in public is so much more than a bare minimum. it means that you are living a double life. as someone who only is living one at this point in her life: i’ve worked hard to be able to claim who I truly am in public to only live one life transparently. I refuse to be placed in a closet, box, or corner while your community walks in and I hide. I am too proud of who I am, and the person I created myself to be. I will not hide or tip toe around your community. you have me walking on eggshells. I am perfectly fine with who I truly am. it is your lack of security in yourself that tries to make me seem like i’m tripping or losing it when I disengage with people who do this to me repeatedly on end. I am not your secret boyfriend or best friend. it is the worst and deepest offense to not claim someone. whether as your favorite artist or not: support people you love as your real self. I put everything on the line to be who I am with the fullest truth as well as transparency. I am not going back in the closet for you. I worked too hard to get out. a closet being a metaphor towards hiding skeletons. I am not the skeleton of your life. you need to be honest and transparent, and secure about who you truly are as well as who you truly love. I will not have any skeletons in my closet. I have worked too hard to clear all of them out. as well as always having been transparent. you’re doing a huge disservice towards the quality of your authentic life, when you hide the people you truly love. be open so you can actually find you true love, your true tribe, your true self, and your true life/location. God doesn’t like ugly. be who you truly are. those who love you won’t care, and those who care don’t matter. be bold and secure in your universal truth, and how God made you to truly be. there is so much freedom in having that choice and decision to take the mask off. stop pretending. be you. love you.