no chance to begin with

set up with no chance to begin with just based off of terrain and circumstances. I refuse to carry on or be a victim of my circumstances, and or my environmental factors + mentalities. I need to go my own way, even if I stay loving my terrains. I cannot carry inter-generational familial nor inter-generational environmental traumas. I have had to be in so many different locations, terrains, and although it influenced me in making me who I am today: I am still the same as i’ve always been. I have grown and changed, but never changed my soul. my soul will always be the same. I refuse to look at myself as a victim. I acknowledge where I need to unpack, and grow as a result of. I came from incredibly messed up circumstances, and my nervous system has been against me since birth.

I had this thought in my head regarding addiction, in the way that my genes have been set up against me since birth. I notice this struggle to self-medicate with nicotine when I get stressed. I feel grateful that when I feel incredibly high stress within my environments + circumstances causing this external stress that I don’t give in to my ancestral need to use. the old me runs to self-medicating as my genes want. my body has been inherited with high levels of extreme lifelong addiction. I have to fight my ancestors every single day just to fight a cycle I feel in the flesh of my biology, genealogy, and veins. I feel no shame in admitting that I still have extreme urges, but I know how to handle those biological flesh carnal urges to essentially use by contacting my care team or doing self-care.

the worst drug for me has to be nicotine for my body, because my ancestors have died repeatedly due to nicotine addiction. and or, are in a chokehold with a monkey on their back with drug and alcohol addiction. I feel those urges every single day. I feel the repercussions of having that ancestral monkey on my back. I have to fight that monkey on my back every single day: regardless of 5 years of recovery so far. my body is hardwired in my personal lifetime to be a lifelong addiction. every day I am waking up fighting that monkey. and I will continue for the rest of my life fighting that monkey on my back. I hate nicotine. I hate drug use. it was something so numbing in my ancestral pain, my ancestral body, my ancestors giving me this body on a loan in my lifetime for my experience of my genealogy in being indigenous Assyrian Iraqi. the trauma I still feel from my ancestors follows me every morning.

yet, I am on my 6th year sober from hard drug use. every day since 2019, I have fought every morning till night with all of my heart + soul never to be a bearer of my ancestor’s addiction gene. I’m grateful because I hate drinking. I’m grateful that I grew up hating the taste of alcohol. I was saved in that regard. being tribal and indigenous to this day is what causes us to have extremely high addiction rates. I don’t want to see people dying from progressive smoking nictotine diseases, or due to drug addiction. I have seen it take so many people. I’m so surprised I’m even here to type this: it is surreal.

to my 6th year sober, this is for you. if I could give any of my past selves advice: it would be to pop off on people for bothering your peace instead of keeping the monkey on your back in order to stay silent/peaceful. don’t take anything in order to numb your emotions so you stay silent. pop off, respectfully: don’t say or do anything you can’t come back from. sometimes you need to, though. rebuke instead of engaging with them back and forth, 10 times out of 10, as much as possible. don’t make yourself apathetic because you want to keep the peace. your apathy is what kills your creativity, because you would rather numb yourself than confront the issue. confront the issue. you have no problem with confronting the issue. you’re just afraid they will use it as a micoaggression of painting you as aggressive, and angry. they don’t know what you have been up against, since a child. I never had a chance to begin with: but I created one biologically by being sober from hard drugs for 6 years. and no one can use that against me. I corrected something that I have seen kill my bloodline time and time again: which a lot of people in my bloodline/community did not get to do in their lifetime.