when the weight too much too bear

when the weight is too much to bear, put it on prayer. today I got on my knees, and prayed in child’s pose on my couch. I haven’t prayed like that in awhile, maybe 2 years. I held my holy book, and let out screams internally. the weight feels too much to bear. I feel like God isn’t supporting me. I feel like I’m struggling with every inch of foundational support, in the sense where I have a million things thrown at me: transitions, new keys I don’t know how to unlock doors with yet, and carrots being dangled in my face (adversity). people who don’t have functional support systems, which is ok: we handle everything on our own as we navigate dysfunction. I don’t like blaming people, but it often feels like we’re set up to drown. in taking responsibility for ourselves, we find support within ourselves. our strength for us and the whole village foundation is exhausting. I just pray to God for strength, patience, new batteries, and support. my batteries from having to do everything by myself in areas where I need help is exhausting. I recognize when I do receive that additional help, and feel grateful.

i’ve been digging and digging out of holes that I did not place myself in for what feels like a multitude of decades at this point. i’m only 26, turning 27 in January. the help and support I need right now, only I can save myself in. i’m having to be support for something I need support for. no one can get me out of the holes I was thrown in. accountability is facing that void of no support in putting it on God, and figuring it out little by little. it’s so hard to ask for help, but then it not even being available when you do ask is heartbreaking. I don’t ask anyone, because I know that no one can truly help me out of what i’m climbing out of. I’m tired of having to explain something i’ve been fighting against for so long. I just need the love, grace, non-judgement/confrontation, and support spaces. I’m already fighting. I need compassion. i’m feeling tired of surviving, and feeling like I can’t thrive. I’m doing so, regardless. i’m forcing myself to thrive. I’m just surviving. but I know that I will thrive, but the survival has my batteries drained.

I need a hug that only I can give myself. I ask for strength, and God gave me strength to endure alright. so much of me is a surviving space. i’m just trying to survive it all. i’m not thinking about thriving. I feel guilty when I do thrive, for having survived through it. I feel so guilty when I feel judged through it. this would have broke people. I feel grateful that when I feel low from fighting and fighting for better circumstances for an older mature Lan, I’m able to put my trust in God. he gives me the battery charge right when I feel like i’m on that last drop, and feel defeated. the first shall be last, and the last shall feel first. I know that I have angels from God rooting for me, forreal. prayer is that peace that keeps me going, when adversity is nonstop attacks on every aspect of my life. just have to sit back, be silent but be bold, and sit back and observe as I pray it out.