the present is now
the present is now. I’m at the time in my life where I am deeply in a state of reflection. I am feeling so many things of processing, letting go, and utmost in a stage of taking accountability for my own actions. as well as enjoying the moment. there are so many things that I feel are extremely important to me. things I am valuing in my adult life aren’t youthful lusts like we’re taught to uphold. the people who hurt you, and you in turn hurt others as well: it is a cycle of hurt people hurt people. it’s very hard to understand. but Lord I need answers and clarity.
then again, I just want the present moment unchecked as well as unbound by time. through digging through the past, and not letting go: you hurt yourself even more. it’s a continual cycle of healing as well as getting back into the rhythm of motion again. it’s so hard to go feel like we’re in times that may present themselves to be as if we are times we are headed in never before. it’s ok that the past is the past, and the present is the present. I choose to move on. I choose to reject greed. I choose to have responsibility. I am choosing to delete social media, and focus on school. all of this feels so inherently abrasive, in every way.
lately, doing what is right is something that is bothering me. but it must be done. and I can’t continue to be in a perpetual cycle of not living my truth. I want to love all of me: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to stay aligned, and prayed up during times where I feel like everything feels utmost uncertain. I am choosing to love, and not hate others for things that maybe I don’t understand or maybe would not morally not agree with. I am choosing to move forward, and heal. and let bygones, be bygones. I there isn’t ways to run from your own destiny when God assigns a calling in your life.
at this time, it’s imperative to heal. there is so much healing I feel as if is occurring on such a deep mass level. I am always going to do what is right, and I am always going to take care of my mind body as well as soul. it is important to step back, and re-evaluate as to why “hurt people hurt people” a lyric in my favorite song by scazZzZz. I’m in this era of my life of just irrigating forgiveness within my life, and moving on from things that I deem as ill. I just ask God to continue to hold my head high. I just feel so much perpetual pain that I am purging for what feels like for the last time. I don’t want to deal with things my way, but God’s way.
whether or not people deem things as unprofessional is not within your permission, or band-with to judge. I take care of myself beautifully, and choose to stay humble in God. I choose to focus on attributes where you don’t smell your own all the time. as adults, I choose to heal and let go of hurt bygones. I choose to continue to grow, and take care of myself with care knowing that in scripture “she is like rubies” in the old testament. she is more precious than rubies. things feel so dark sometimes when I reminisce on things that have happened that I haven’t processed fully. I know that God is so great, and on my side. God is so wonderful. and I know that the things that are hurting me right now have always been outside of my control. my response is a response towards hurt people who hurt people. and if I have done that, I am sorry.
I just pray for privacy at this time. it feels so hurtful having to go through this. I just want to be shielded, while also being told the truth. it is such a rough time. coming from an innocent background, I feel so hurt and astounded that my hurt feels public all the time.
regardless, I am not a victim ever in my life: and I will always choose to love others because hurt people hurt people as my favorite hometown rapper scaz says. I am choosing to be the best and most amazing self I can possibly be. I am choosing to heal, and to pray to God. I am choosing to choose respect and privacy over things that are harmful. I am so grateful in the way that God is victorious in how beautiful he is in working in my life. I am so grateful that God is wonderful.
I’m trying to write and focus on positivity, and try to see the bright side in how I feel lately. I can only control my actions. I can choose to focus on my 1st love, and focus on happiness in the present. something I have been contemplating is: “when shi hits the fan: are you really a fan?” thats how I feel like healing out loud. it is so hard to go through this all at once. but God is great. and I know that every time I feel like another wrong is thrown into my life: I think about things like gardening. or planting earth matter or doing some type of artwork. I think about going to the aquarium, and or going to see another country and ask for the village lore. or try new vegan food.
it isn’t the end of the world. it’s ok. i’m healing in silence and out loud at the same time. sometimes you just have to give it to Jesus, and set it aside. only God can see it, say it, sort it. all you can do is just continue to stand strong, and double down on what is right. regardless if it is the outcome you want, or not. it is so hard. but together, we heal. together, we grow. and the truth does not divide. I am going to continue to heal, glow up, eat my veggies, and continue to work out. I know God will work it all out. life is full of hardships, but God is so amazing and wonderful. I put all of my stress and hurt onto him. I’m 27. I’m an adult. I am onto bigger and better things.
God has best for me. ❤