out of my control
lately, I had to drop two classes due to things being out of my control. like in my human realm of control, I didn’t expect to be a victim of marginalization when i’m not in my mindframe a victim. I didn’t go through what I went through so violently the past couple of months for these classes to be dropped. I feel so angry, and upset. It feels like so much is just out of my frame of control: having to hide for weeks in my apartment as ICE is called on me. or the fact that I feel so suppressed, and unheard. this is the gray area of not being able to be in my homeland because they’re dropping bombs on my family to put hotels. so my suffering in this country and outside of it is outside of my control as a human? we’re having ICE being called on us as legal, law abiding residents as we’re othered? the responses that I have received as if I was actually the one with the control having this done to me. this was out of my control.
the only thing I could control was how I responded. my throat is closed up, probably from screaming so much on the phone that it made me sick. that was the only thing I could control lately: which was out of my control in my immune system yet again shutting down. this game of othering is disgusting. I don’t know when Jesus said to call ICE on your brothers. this is the same group of people who say “we believe in Jesus” but then send their brothers to an illegal bay in threatening to deport fellow citizens. the lights are not on in being a Jesus follower. I don’t think that they ever believed in Jesus in forcing me to miss two classes to having to withdraw two classes. they just want control. they don’t want people like me in class which is why they did it when we started school.
I’m so sick and tired of not being believed. I’m sick and tired of people trying to control me my whole life. I thought this was the land of the free? So when things go down, and people are calling ICE on me: and my body shuts down. you won’t give me grace? the pen is always mightier than the sword, and unfortunately I am just fighting to be in school right now. I know that God is in control, but I have had a hellish couple of months since October. I wonder when the rumble will settle, I wonder when they will stop hurting Lebanon and Syria + involving my loved ones in the war, and I wonder when the average american will have compassion without nationalism.
it takes so much bravery to be able to go through what i’ve been through in just a couple of months. so much feels out of my control, and I feel punished academically + outside of my realm of control. I know that as a real Christian, I need to continue to look at the situation with a brightside. maybe I would have been harmed on the way to that class, or there was a darker reason as to why God protected me. rejection is God’s protection, even if it was outside of my ability of control.
