focusing on the internal
lately every couple of years, the internet finds my viral internet history. and to be honest, I don’t want to feel otherness. it is so weird to be obsessed with someone who you claim is stalking you? it feels like, a slight obsession, and to be honest to God people will hate you because they want to destiny swap as well as fuck you. and I can’t take it. every little micro-aggression of fame, wanting to be the top popularity and having a salvage of blood to where you don’t believe in God is scary. I’m annoyed, scared, and didn’t have an outlet or even an ounce of energy while in recovery. I feel scared, memes are popping up again from an old internet history and it feels weird as well as obsessive.
I understand that people love me, but their fans are incredibly stalkerish. I feel annoyed, and to a certain ability we have regular people limiting me. I don’t want my creativity or genius limited. I will not allow myself to be limited. I will empower myself, and will not allow anyone to take away the light that God has forged in my soul. they’re jealous that I am me, I am not like anyone else and I choose to take care of myself with utmost respect. sometimes when I feel like every direction of wind is attacking me, I feel so disrespected in utmost hurt. I just want to create and serve the Lord, and not hear people’s back talk. personally, I’m not focused on other people’s thoughts and ideas. I’m focused on myself, and feel utmost a release of trauma. there are ways that my friends and family want me to represent myself, and it’s creepy. I have to block everyone and restart all over again because of people’s friends and family. it’s not a me and you problem, it’s the fans doing weird shit and I can’t stand it that people stoop so low. I’m not even thinking of the internet like that or social connection like that: i’m just trying to purely create.
I’m not focusing on trying to be in an unhealthy road or surrounding. I’m working on my surroundings. I’m working on healing, letting go, and taking care of my physical health as well as mindfulness. it is so hard to be shot calling when you have been going through issues with the ones you love the most. it’s so hard to consistently try and be the glue.
I’m so tired of people laughing at me like i’m the person they are minstrel’ing. I found yet again something disturbing on the internet about myself, and I just tell myself that “oh, I shouldn’t know.” I feel so manipulated by the people closest to me. and it hurts so much. I just want to feel closure, to feel like people aren’t preying on my private parts, and aren’t predatory in sexual thirst. I just want to be held, feel trusted in someone God meant for me rib of my rib in God’s arms, and feel hope.
I feel so sad. lately since last year it has been a battle of my heart. I am trying to get people out of my mind within thinking about me, and into my thoughts and prayers. I feel people’s thoughts and prayers, and I just ask that the obsession within one sided obsession stops. I am not trying to manifest you, either back into my life: but I’m trying to heal and let go as well as move on from a different aspect of the past. I ask that the hated subsides, and that people leave me alone within hobby spaces. it feels predatory as well as creepy with the constant surveillance within the projection of racist stereotype activity.