feelings for when I don’t feel positive specifically

lately I write in my journal, and I feel so invaded like every thought is being translated into audiences that I don’t want people outside of trusted individuals to necessarily access. it’s a rat race. I just want to get outside the barrel, but.

lately I am healing from assault. in middle eastern and AFRICAN cultures, soddomy and gomorrah tactics are trained to tell a little kid to be quiet. because if in the middle east you as so blink at someone incorrectly, or look at them the wrong way: that is code for extreme aggression or a woman necessarily thinks that she is better than being a man than a man. in the Middle East, women and men are not allowed to even share their identity: so when they go to the United States, they are able to feel a sense of freedom.

that is not what I am here to talk about today. I am here to talk about statues and limitations towards aggressive date rape culture. there are specific “masculine” entities to which we are essentially presented with to where if a woman is a “better man” (that is how they see gay culture for women, or bisexual culture) than they will quite literally do everything to make you a subservient baby mama who is used as a human toliet as the lowest way of segregation/outcast.

I believe that in MIDDLE EASTERN AND AFRICAN! AFRICAN! culture, the way that we see sexuality is “why are the children knowing about adult things?” the adult things being too open in the house is what brings child predators who take advantage when people CHEAT. you bring the door open for your kids, and because of the fact that in brothel culture in the middle east: 9 year olds are fair game. they think that by the time a child in 9, in order to protect them from incredibly repressed middle eastern culture. that they are going to get raped if they go outside in the dinya.

they are correct. they will. I’m not even going to lie. I am the HOOD FOB CHILD WHO IS MULTI-LINGUAL child that is 1st generation. and when I’m telling you, they were right and wrong. it hurts for my ego to admit that they are right. but they are.

I am not a muslim, right? but as a christian, we grow up with the same culture and ethnicity: but we are taught different beliefs about the world that is the same at the same time. a muslim religion is a muslim religion of peace, being right with God, etc. but they also go through as a community such heavy obedience culture: that one little lie is worse than a big one. if you lie once, that is like opening up the door to an infinite hell. one lie, one white lie: and you get kicked out of the street culture.

that being said, for a christian: one little lie is the like. for christian community culture, the one they perceive as “perfect” can either be a) an angel, or b)satanoutha who hides their hands. in my case, personally I am both. and that is what being a good christian is. the fact that we can need Jesus, and that we ask God to send our Isho Mishika whenever we need help. Isho Mishika is the manifestation of God as an entity. I personally believe that God sends us his children in order to not crucify those who tell you that your demons are showing.

yes, your lifestyle and all of your lies have caught up to you. your demons are showing. you don’t even recognize people who love you in the mirror. people who love you can not love you, because they don’t recognize you as a child of God. or, they pour shit into your drink to kill you so that they destiny swap with you. they do everything to show that: “mommy and daddy’s perfect angel” are “bad little girls” and need to be humbled. the whole time, the one that they humbled was the one who was the Jesus in the room.

I have extreme boundaries, because people have done everything to destiny swap with me. and they have. but God said everything that they thought I wanted, I just wanted a good home and a good school without hearing “guns/killing/noise”. peace and quiet. the lifestyle that we live, is so messed up as hood kumiyeh suriyeh. we get oppressed in the most horrible way and regime due to being ourselves authentically. everything that we do gets targeted as the marginalized, and I know that one day our oppressors are afraid that we will deliver a hand so bad than theirs. well, God said “keep going,” because what I go through: you could not handle the false karma like Job I had to handle.

would you still love God if your abuser was in front of you? how would you treat your abuser? I personally preached them the word of God for 27 years. I did not ask to be born. and I am not the victim. because although, I am a victim, I know that the way that people see me is how they feel about themselves. I’ve done everything to change myself, and when I do, I hurt so badly. I can’t continue to change myself.

people need to let gay black men be, and let people like me who have been oppressed our whole lives be free. I don’t want white people in my buisiness. I don’t want fake assyrians in my business. you act like an Assyrian if you believe in God. not if you feel as if you will deliver God’s karma for God. that is the devil. sometimes it is the voice of God, but. if a man is telling you the voice of God. then.

I’m tired of people around me who misinterpreted me to decide what is best in my free will. I call my power back each and every day. I will not be in positions of coercive power. it really bothers me when I am forced to be in mainstream celebrities or spotlight. I can’t handle that. and honestly, I can, but people do everything to humble me as an assyrian. they think that they are protecting me, but really they want their daughters to shine brighter than me and it is at the point of stalking + disgust I cannot even fathom.

I’ve had people control my narrative, soddomize me, rape the angels type soddom and gomorrah: and God would never punish a victim of CSA. God would only punish a creepy, predator devil believing type. I personally believe that God sends Satan to fuck the children up when they’re being bad to teach them divine karma as kids. you get your karma as a kid, and you have your entire life to see when God comes down as your Jesus: if you love him more than the dunya.

I love God more than the dunya. because God is my dinya. kulit dinya eleh dinya Allaha. sometimes I feel so ashamed to be assyrian because of the people who have hurt me. and how they still to this day will not change and will double down on the devil. I know that God has infinite hell when they are at their last rites. thankfully, God did not choose the same fate and has decided to forgive us. he sent Jesus and got Lot out of Soddom and Gomorrah. personally, as a Christian: I believe in forgiveness for CSA victims. everyday to this day I am so afraid of humble babies. “rape babies.” from brutalist middle eastern and african culture. to this day, what traumatizes me the most if middle eastern and african ways of humbling children who they perceive as “gay”.

since that is not allowed, they are afraid that (they misinterpreted aramaic bible because the translations are wrong) the child is going to get raped by a child toucher. there are two types of child touchers: 1)creepy satan KKK hilter type who never had a bad childhood to begin with 2)a repeat victim of assault. that is why I forgive the repeat victim of assault types. usually in gang culture, the person never raped a child: they have a very strict code, and strong sense of justice.

I understand how people feel about like worldwide culture, but I decide not to be in the world. I just do my own thing. and when I go out into the world, I go out with people that I know are not going to slip drugs in my drink. that is why I don’t talk to people who are not longterm people that I know. I have to update my number and block phones every single year.