keep on going / may 23rd, 2023

I’m almost done with a piece from last year that I started on May 31st, 2023. To me, so much has happened/changed. I went from mourning, grieving, etc etc of so many things: to where i’m at now. My life doesn’t look the same at all from when I first started the piece i’m describing. I went through extreme heartbreak, and something I want to tell you as i’m finishing this piece as an end of a huge cycle: keep on going.

Keep going when it gets rough, when you feel as if your heart has turned black as well as empty. Keep going when you go from writing music daily, to not making music in three months. Keep going and pick up the microphone: even if it’s terrible, it could be someone’s favorite song. Keep going even when you feel sad, lonely, or whatever temporary emotion. Because key word, it’s a *temporary* feeling/state of mind you’re going through. Keep going when you are the only support system in your life: and only you can save you. Keep going when your heart is so broken, you don’t even know how long or when it will take for your heart to fully recover. All the empty promises and lies, blaring in your head: keep going, when the flashbacks hit.

Not everyone has gone through a troubled past, or lack of security. I find myself going through my things, throwing things out, and renewing a sense of minimalism as a starting over. You are allowed to reinvent yourself, change yourself, change how you act (being yourself though: maturity), allowed to reinvent yourself, glow up. You are allowed to not feel afraid, to experiment with new things, to dye your hair new colors/hairstyles. But. My key words to you today are: “don’t stay in the same place they left you at.”

Don’t stay in the same place they left you at, because you deserve to grow/transform. After you look at the time where you are pre-heartbreak, to the time where you are post-heartbreak: ask yourself this. Are you in the same place they left you in? Are you still the same person? Are you thriving? Or are you stuck in the past? The image i’ve been working on since May 31st, 2023 has been my rock. I was struggling to hold on, while transformation ensued. But allow transformation to guide you. Don’t be afraid to keep going, keep exploring, and to keep making decisions: regardless if they are bad ones. You will learn from the bad mistakes. It’s ok to figure all of that out.

You are not your past, especially if you have had a traumatic/rocky one. I deserve to live freely, and anew. I deserve to look unrecognizable in the best of ways. I deserve to flourish. I deserve to be free. I am not how others have done me dirty, or vice versa. I take accountability with my own doings/past, as I refuse to be a villain nor a victim. I will not be who hurt me, and I will not be what broke me in a broken state. I choose to pick the pieces off of the floor, and do something/incredible things with my life.

I have been through way too much for it all to glow down, here. I refuse to be belittled. I refuse to be dealt with sideways. It’s a reflection of who they are, and not who I am. I have nothing to do with it. They just want to see you hurt, confused, and doing worse than them. I choose to meet everything with love: even if I feel anger / reactive abuse in that moment. I will not allow myself to be silenced, or gaslight into insanity. I choose to be the best me in this life, even if you’re mad. I will not allow my life, or the city I’m in: whatever/wherever/whoever, to bring me into wasted potential. I will not allow wasted potential. I need amazing soil. I need wonderful water. I need love. God is that.

I won’t stay in the same place you broke me in. I’m not a victim, and i’m not a villain. My past doesn’t define me. I do. This artwork represented some of the hardest times i’ve gone through. Yet the beauty of it. Life is just starting, and beginning. I refuse to hide myself or my light for your comfort. You will not silence me or my joy. I will continue living, breathing, and forgetting about you. I will heal, and am healed. I refuse to be spiteful, or angry anymore. I need that anger for me. I stopped choosing crashing out, and instead chose my peace/solitude: even if that means it’s just me out here.

Some people don’t get a second chance. I chose to have a second chance at life. Start over as many times until it clicks. There is no wasted potential here. I will not rot. I will not allow brain rot in my life. Or any type of wasted potential. The person I am now, IS the real thing: not the potential of what I can be. I choose to show up, even if my glow up makes you uncomfortable. Or my healing. Or my soul. Or my spirit. My past, again, doesn’t define me. I continue to grow, learn, and change. You were a lesson I needed. I’ve learned all of my lessons, and it’s time for that new beginning. Without old lessons, and old doors. I don’t even have the keys for where you left me, anymore.

I’m proud the piece is almost done. I used to not be able to even put a pen mark without staring at the canvas. Now, I can see the work of over a year almost done. I didn’t want this to drag on for so long, but my heart needed to be reformed. For me to explore this new Alana. Seeing the artwork as a reflection of my pain, of my healing, and of my rebirth: the feeling of a completion feels so good to a chapter that is only temporary. I’m grateful for the lessons. I’m grateful for the hurt. The betrayal. The backstabbing. The public humiliation. The suffering in silence. It was all apart of my story, and now all apart of my strength. GOD IS SO GOOD.